Randy's Rant — "Thank You, Mr. Vice President"
by Randy Kaufman, with research assistance from Dustin Lowman
“Waiting for your answer
Is a kind of torture
Could I grow accustomed to this kind of hell?
Are you walking the dog?
‘Cause that dog isn’t new
Are you out of control?
Is that dog walking you?
Haven’t you had enough?
Now your time is up
Baby, show me your hand”
Last Wednesday, many of us saw Vice Presidential debate moderator Susan Page get put in the kind of position women have had to endure for years. Vice President Mike Pence was speaking over Senator Kamala Harris, speaking beyond his allotted time, and speaking out of turn. Ms. Page’s response, much like Chris Wallace during the first Presidential debate, was to repeatedly say, “Thank you, Mr. Vice President.” Not once, not twice — 22 times!
Pause on those words for a moment: “Thank you, Mr. Vice President.”
She didn’t mean it this way, but saying “Thank you” actually sounded like encouraging Vice President Pence — who certainly took it that way, and was tone deaf enough not to understand her true intention. Senator Harris, meanwhile, looked on (with memorable, SNL-lampooned facial expressions), wearing the face of every woman who has ever been interrupted by a man and can’t get a word in edgewise.
It speaks to a problem I’ve dealt with, and seen women deal with, throughout my long career in corporate environments: We get talked over by loudmouths like Pence, and we don’t do enough to speak up for ourselves and each other (usually there aren’t enough of us in the room to begin with). The problem, no doubt, originates in men — they damn well need to let us talk. But if they don’t, women amongst who have the power, the voice and the opportunity, damn well need to speak up for each other.
Men help men. Men promote men, then they find more men who look like them, and they make life easy for them, too. Women, en masse, should find ways to fight this tyranny.
A long time ago, when I was with J.P. Morgan, I was dealing with the nastiest lawyer I’ve ever dealt with — and trust me, that says a lot. We were hashing something out on his daily 9 p.m. call, which is bad enough, and he was just being even more obnoxious than usual. I remember trying two approaches: First, because I can and it’s sort of fun, I tried to fight back on his terms — adopting his demeanor, swearing a lot, and speaking in the demeaning, aggressive tone of voice he was using. I was a corporate lawyer in the Mike Milken, Ivan Boesky junk bond era after all, so I had some well-honed skills in this particular arena.
That didn’t work. Why? It was playing by his rules, and he was ruthless. I couldn’t beat him at his own game — I could just escalate it to the point of exhaustion and maybe a tie-break. So, I took a deep breath and questioned why I was playing a game I couldn’t win, and asked myself what else might work. That’s when I decided to turn this negotiation into a game and see if I could kill him with kindness. It took a few weeks, but eventually, it worked. I got my way, as many people say I usually do.
Every step of the way, women face institutional sexism. For women like Senator Harris, that is compounded by institutional racism. The point is, these are monumental obstacles, and “Thank you, Mr. Vice President,” just isn’t going to cut it. It reminds me of an abusive relationship in which the abused thanks the abuser as he’s abusing her. We have a moral obligation to do more. We can certainly do more!
Of course, we know that Senator Harris could have done more — she’s a bulldog prosecutor, and she could’ve ripped Pence to shreds if she wanted to. But then, of course, she would’ve gotten one of those chauvinist bywords pinned on her: “Shrill,” “nasty,” “bitch,” take your pick. She needed to prove that she could be calm and poised under pressure, and not get down in the mud with Trump and Pence — just like I couldn’t get down in the mud with that obnoxious lawyer.
To all the women reading this, when you see another woman being treated like a second-rate person, I implore you not to say, “Thank you, Mr. Vice President.” I implore you to use your voice, your power, and your seat at the table to fight for women everywhere, to give them their place and to let them speak their truth — use kindness, use compassion, use grace, use all those traits that women are told to embody, but underneath it all, use grit as well, and send a message that this isn’t acceptable. And to all the men reading this who are good, respectful listeners — there are plenty of you — thank you for being part of the solution.
As always, if anything in this article sparked your interest, please don’t hesitate to reach out!
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